• Common 28.01.2015 No Comments

    He said I should be thankful that I met him, that we taught each other some things. What he taught me is how to be alone. Because never ever before I met him I felt so alone.

    As a kid I was a loner, always stuck in my head daydreaming, identifying problems and designing solutions. I use to hide away in my mind from others, because there was no use in communicating if I were misunderstood. My body was there, but my mind was wandering in the infinite universe that is imagination. It was great, but it was still lonely. Then I grew up and I started leaving my mind sanctuary from time to time, because reality was pulling me in. But when I needed to escape and my sanctuary was always there.

    Then I met him and I really, really wanted to stay close to him in reality. But he hurt me, he misunderstood me, so I began going back to my sanctuary again and again and again. Then he left. My link to reality disappeared. You would think that this would leave me forever in my sanctuary, but for a while it was exactly the opposite.

    Then things started to go back to normal. I went back to my sanctuary, I rebuilt the walls. I made them thicker, higher, stronger. It was still lonely, but it did not bother me anymore. I am strong you see, I fear nothing. I thought I feared being alone. But the thing I feared the most, is feeling alone with someone by my side. Feeling alone when you are actually alone is just natural. Like feeling hungry because you did not eat.

    So yeah, I should thank him. He taught me how to be alone. He helped me accept that I will always be alone, in my mind or outside of it. And you should not fear the things that you have no power to change.

  • Common 18.01.2015 No Comments

    Love is like glass, it is beautiful, it is delicate and it is fragile. It can break easily, and even if put back together it won’t ever be the same and can no longer fulfill its purpose. Fuck it, I just bought plastic cups for myself.

    Anger is the feeling that hides other feelings that hurt too much. It is less painful and easier on the mind and body to be angry than to be sad,frustrated, disappointed or betrayed. It is also more motivating too. A lot of people start practice sports in order to deal with anger, they focus it and they direct it on their bodies. That’s why I run long distances. That’s why I use my bicycle a lot. That’s why I do pushups in the morning. Because I am so sick of being angry. I’d rather be tired.

    Having social anxiety is the symptom of being an empath. As am empath you feel what others feel, you are being overwhelmed with other people feelings so much it becomes hard to know your own. Negative feelings are most contagious than positive ones. That’s why I’m antisocial. I’m so sick of dealing with other people’s demons. I can barely deal with my own.

    Being alone means having nobody else but you for company. If you hate to be alone, that means you are such a shitty person that not even you like yourself.

    Belief is the most precious thing a man has. It does not matter the focus of a belief, if somebody else shits on your belief repeatedly, you will snap. People snap differently. Some cry, some run away, some give in and stop believing, some kill themselves. And some react violently. We are weak, we are only flesh and blood after all.

    People say that being a lady means you have to keep your feelings hidden and always be good and kind to everyone. But keeping feelings inside builds up frustration and not everybody deserves goodness or kindness. I have never been a lady and never will be. I’m too true to myself and too fair for that.

  • Common 04.01.2015 No Comments

    The tile of this post has been screaming in everybody’s head once in a while. Today it is my turn.

    More than 6 months ago I moved to another city, far away from the city where I lived for 13 years. And I dreamed of a new fresh start, in a place where nobody knows me, where nobody considers I owe them anything, where I could just be alone and enjoy my loneliness. I really needed to be alone, I really needed to have boundaries, I really needed for a time where if I felt the need to communicate to anyone I would start the interaction.

    I have always hated people that cannot respect your boundaries, that if they do not know you, they are curious about you and want to know you. Even if you do not want to be known. This is me: I do not want to be known. I already have a group of friends I love very much. I do not want to know anyone else. I do not need any more friends or acquittance. At least for a while. I do not want to know or talk to my neighbors. Any my work colleagues, the only way I’ll socialize and talk to them about anything else is if something funny or curious has happened to me. Otherwise I will not waste their time. I really do not want to waste anybody’s time and I really wish more people would think and act the same way.

    Problem is that they do not. And they try to get to know me and fell rejected when they fail. Or they just assume I’m a bad person. And maybe I am. And if I am, it would be logical to stay away from me, right? Not to them it is not. They feel the need to let me know that they know me and that they know I’m a bad person. Like I give a fuck.

    These things would not bother me If I could just lock myself in my house with all the things that are dear to me or belong to me. But I can’t. And the things I cannot keep safe will probably suffer at some point because I’m thought by some people to be a bad person. Like my car for example. So that’s why I park my car two blocks away now, because one of my neighbors does not understand what public parking space is and cannot understand the need for personal space of some people.

    And I hate humanity again and all your “restore faith in humanity” videos and examples mean shit to be. Because all I really want is to be alone. All I really want is to be left alone. All I really want is for people to ignore my miserable existence.

    But they won’t. Because apparently I cannot be invisible, no matter how much I try.

  • Common 30.12.2014 No Comments

    2014 was my year of loss. And I am sure that among these 7 billion people I am not the only one saying this.

    I lost myself in a toxic relationship which made me feel like I am not good enough for this world. I let myself get swallowed whole by anxiety, fear, and self deprecation. My relationship was like London weather, I could hardly see the sun. But when I did, I made myself believe the weather was great, because I could see the sun. It is amazing how humans can make themselves believe something just by wanting to believe.

    I lost passion for the things I cared about. He was the center of my universe and he was a black hole sucking in everything about me and leaving me empty.

    I lost weight, I lost about 5kg after we split.

    I lost tears. Tears he did not deserve, were wasted on him.

    I lost time. The time that I was with him and the time I kept crying and waiting for him to come back.

    I lost my home of 13 years. I had to move to another town to get away from the city that I shared with him, because memories were everywhere and I was losing my breath every time I was passing near a place where we kissed or held hands.

    I lost friends. Because when you are in pain some people keep their distance because they fear it might be contagious. I could conclude they were not real friends anyway, but I cannot blame them for running away at the sight of my pain. I was a walking reminder that everything that has a start has an end. Even love. People do not like to be reminded that life is not beautiful and love is not forever.

    It was a bad year for me. It was a year with anxiety, insomnia, nightmares and alcohol. A lot of alcohol.

    So, my dear Facebook, screw you and your Year end review! I do not want to see what my year looked like in your opinion and I would definitely would not call it a great year. Unless “great” definition has been changed and means “terrible” now.

    But here I am. It’s two days from 2015 and I’m alive. And I guess indeed what does not kill you makes you stronger.

    I still have some of the old friends, the ones that survived my crying, the ones that were not disgusted by my thoughts of suicide and the self loathing. The ones that kept talking to me, when all I wanted was for the Earth to swallow me whole and simply disappear. And also some new friends appeared, people I have never thought they view me as a friend. And I love them more than anything. All of them. And promise to never do this to them again. I promise to call to talk about anything else but my pain. I promise to see each and every one of you from far away at least once a year.

    I am alive living in this wonderful, joyful, small, classy mountain city. I am alive and I am healthy. I am not out of the woods yet, but I can feel things falling into place.

    I have a new wonderful job with really great people surrounding me. And I get to travel and see the world.

    I am building new dreams and sometimes it is scary how different they are from the ones I had before.

    And love? Love might come. Or might not. Who needs it anyway? I seem to be so much better without it.

    So bring it on 2015, give your best shot! I am ready.

    I think. :)